Living with a Narcissistic Parent or Partner: How These Dynamics Can Undermine the Sense of Self

Not all harm in relationships is loud or dramatic. Sometimes, it’s the quieter, harder-to-name patterns that leave the most lasting imprint. You might feel dismissed or belittled when you bring up your feelings. You might find yourself anticipating someone else’s reactions before they happen or before you have time to consider your own. Or you might feel that, no matter how much you give, it’s never quite enough to feel secure.

These are common experiences for people who have grown up with or been closely involved with someone who leans heavily on narcissistic ways of relating. Narcissistic traits can show up in many people, especially under stress or in relationships where they feel emotionally vulnerable. But when this becomes a repeated dynamic, it can subtly reshape the other person’s internal world.

What Are Narcissistic Dynamics, Really?

Narcissism isn’t just about arrogance or self-importance. More often, it reflects a defensive structure—ways of managing painful feelings like shame, inadequacy, or emotional exposure. In close relationships, someone with narcissistic tendencies might:

• Struggle to reflect on others’ internal experiences

• Respond to vulnerability with discomfort or withdrawal

• Need admiration or validation to feel stable

• Become dismissive or reactive when they feel criticized

  
  

These traits exist on a continuum. Many people experience moments like these. But when such patterns are persistent, those close to the individual—partners, children, friends—can end up feeling unseen, emotionally erased, or caught in a loop of managing someone else’s emotional state.

How This Can Shape your Sense of Self

Over time, these dynamics can make it difficult to know what you feel, need, or even want. You may have learned to:

• Suppress your feelings to keep the peace

• Take responsibility for others' reactions

• Seek validation through performance or caretaking

• Doubt your perceptions, especially during conflict

  
  

Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott described the false self—a version of oneself adapted to meet the emotional needs of others, often at the cost of spontaneity and vitality. This kind of adaptation can be deeply protective in certain environments. But as time goes on, it can make relationships feel hollow, performative, or confusing.

How Can You Begin to Work on This?

Recognizing the impact of narcissistic dynamics is often the first step—and that recognition is rarely immediate. Many people describe a gradual unfolding of awareness: “I thought this was normal.” or “I didn’t realize how much I’d adapted until I started feeling something different.”

Healing doesn’t require blame or rigid labels. It’s about becoming more able to hear yourself clearly, hold onto your own perspective, and relate to others from a place of self-possession rather than self-sacrifice.

Here are a few meaningful places to begin:

Get Curious About Your Internal Dialogue

Often, the voices we carry inside—self-doubt, self-criticism, compulsive caretaking—have their roots in earlier relational dynamics. Pay attention to when your internal world begins to revolve around someone else’s reactions or approval. Ask yourself gently: whose voice is this?

Practice Naming Your Needs (Without Apology)

If you’ve been shaped by a relationship that made your needs feel inconvenient or excessive, it may feel unfamiliar—or even risky—to name them. But learning to recognize and voice your needs is an essential part of reconnecting with your own selfhood.

Reclaim Disavowed Emotions

Anger, pride, grief, even joy—certain emotions may have been unwelcome in earlier relationships. Therapy offers space to safely explore and reintegrate these parts of your emotional life, which often return with surprising vitality when given room.

Reflect on Relational Patterns Without Self-Blame

You may wonder, Why did I stay? Why didn’t I see it? These questions can be valuable, but they’re best approached with compassion. Often, we stay in familiar dynamics because they once protected us. Understanding that is far more healing than judging it.

Engage in Depth-Oriented Therapy

Psychoanalytic psychotherapy offers a space to reflect not just on your experiences, but on how those experiences live on in your present. It’s a process of uncovering, integrating, and expanding—so that your sense of self is no longer overly shaped by someone else’s emotional needs or limitations.

If This Resonates

You’re not alone. If you’re curious about how past or present relationships may be shaping your sense of self, our practice offers thoughtful, depth-oriented therapy for individuals and couples navigating the impact of narcissistic relational dynamics.