Parenthood as a Mirror: How Becoming Parents Changes a Relationship and how to navigate

Becoming parents can bring couples closer—and also stir up conflict, vulnerability, and unmet needs. This post can help partners make sense of the emotional terrain of parenting together.

Becoming parents is often described as one of life’s most profound transitions—and it is. But while much of the cultural focus is on the baby, the birth of parenthood also marks a shift in the couple's dynamic, often in ways that are confusing, painful, or unexpected.

Sleep deprivation, identity shifts, unequal roles, and the raw demands of caregiving can stretch even solid relationships. What’s harder to name is how parenthood stirs up emotional residue from each partner’s own early experiences—how we were cared for (or not), what we internalized about roles, love, and responsibility, and what we unconsciously expect from one another now that we’re on the caregiving side of the equation. Parenthood isn’t just a logistical challenge—it’s a deep emotional reorganization.

The Unspoken Complexity Beneath Everyday Moments

Many couples notice subtle (or not-so-subtle) changes in their relationship after becoming parents:

• One partner feels invisible or resentful

• The other feels criticized or inadequate

• There's a growing silence, or a sense of “just getting through the day”

• Intimacy feels harder to access

  
  

These aren't signs of failure, but they can feel very discouraging. They’re often signs that something meaningful is happening beneath the surface (and change is hard).

These tensions are meaningful expressions—communications from each person’s inner world. Parenthood stirs up pre-verbal and often unconscious material: feelings of dependency, abandonment, competitiveness, envy, guilt, or longing. These feelings may not be fully understood or even articulated, but they shape the couple’s dynamic in ways that can feel confusing or overwhelming.

Old Roles, New Dynamics

Parenthood often activates roles that feel strangely rigid. One person may become the “competent” one, while the other feels left out. One may become the “default parent,” while the other is cast as unreliable or emotionally distant.

These roles may have less to do with present-day reality and more to do with internalized templates—unconscious expectations formed early in life about who does what, who gets cared for, and who has to manage.

Working psychoanalytically with couples means paying attention to how each partner has come to experience love, support, conflict, and dependency—and how those patterns get replayed, often unintentionally, within the couple and around the child.

What the Baby Brings In

Couples therapy during parenthood isn’t about blame or fixing. It’s a place where two people can slow down and think together—with support—about what’s happening in the relationship.

Some of the themes that might emerge:

• How did each partner experience being parented? How does that shape their parenting now?

• What emotional legacies are being carried forward—consciously or not?

• What’s the meaning behind recurring conflicts about “help,” “fairness,” or “doing it right”?

• How can partners stay emotionally connected, even when the tasks and identities of parenthood pull them apart?

If your relationship has felt strained since becoming parents, you’re not alone. Parenting reshapes a relationship, and that reshaping is often bumpy, especially without support.

But with care and curiosity, this transition can also open up deeper understanding. It can reveal unmet needs, previously unseen strengths, and more authentic ways of being together. Couples therapy—especially one grounded in a depth-oriented, relational approach—offers a space to make meaning of it all.

About our practice: Dr. Maura Ferguson & Associates offers contemporary psychoanalytic and relational therapy for individuals, couples and relationships. We support parents at every stage—whether you're preparing for parenthood, in the thick of early years, or reflecting on how becoming parents has reshaped your connection.

CLICK HERE to schedule a free intake call 

Taking care of your mental health is a courageous and important step towards overall well-being. We're here to support you on your journey to a happier, healthier life.