Supporting Your Partner’s Mental Health: What I’ve Learned as a Couples Therapist

Mental health doesn’t exist in a vacuum. As a couples therapist, here’s what I’ve learned about how partners can support each other in meaningful, sustainable ways when one person is struggling.

As a couples therapist, I’ve had the privilege of sitting with many partners who care deeply for each other—and who still find themselves struggling when mental health challenges arise in their relationship.

When one person is anxious, depressed, burned out, or overwhelmed, the other often feels uncertain: How do I help? Should I be doing more? Why do I feel resentful sometimes, even when I know my partner is struggling?

These are real and honest questions. They’re not signs of failure. They’re signs that the relationship itself is carrying something emotionally complex—and that both people are feeling it, even if in different ways.

I don’t view mental health as something that lives only in the individual. It lives between people too—in the fluid dynamic of closeness and distance, in how we feel around each other, in what’s spoken and what isn’t. And so, when one partner is struggling, it makes sense that the relationship begins to stir, stretch, and sometimes strain.

Here’s what I’ve learned about how to support a partner’s mental health in a way that’s attuned, sustainable, and relationally grounded.

1. You Don’t Have to Fix It to Be Helpful

When your partner is suffering, it’s easy to go into problem-solving mode. This makes sense—love often shows up as action. But sometimes, those very attempts to help can leave both partners feeling worse: one feeling like a project to be managed, the other like a failing caregiver.

What often matters more is emotional presence. That might look like sitting quietly with your partner when they can’t find the words, or gently saying, “I can see this is really hard. I don’t need you to explain it—I just want you to know I’m here.”

2. Understand That What’s Being Felt May Not Be About You—But You’re Still Part of the Picture

Mental health challenges like anxiety or depression can change how someone relates. They may become more withdrawn or more irritable. They may seem harder to reach.

It’s easy to feel like these reactions are about you. And sometimes, they are—but often, they’re not. What I help couples do in therapy is get curious about how the emotional state is being communicated—not just why. Sometimes a silence says, “I feel ashamed.” Sometimes an outburst says, “I’m scared I can’t manage.”

This doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior—but it can help shift the dynamic from blame to meaning-making, which is often where change begins.

3. Stay in Contact, But Don’t Overfunction

Many well-meaning partners begin to carry more and more—emotionally, practically, even parentally—when the other is struggling. This can lead to exhaustion, resentment, or a quiet sense of loneliness.

Rather than trying to carry everything, I often encourage couples to name what’s hard and talk about it. “I want to support you, and I’m also feeling stretched. Can we think together about what’s realistic right now?” This kind of honesty can feel risky—but in a secure relationship, it builds trust.

4. Recognize the Role of Shame—and Approach with Care

When someone is struggling with their mental health, shame is often just under the surface. Even gentle questions like, “Did you go for a walk today?” can land as criticism if the underlying feeling is, I’m already not enough.

In therapy, we work with this kind of shame by slowing things down. I invite partners to ask, “How might what I’m saying feel to the person I love, especially when they’re feeling vulnerable?” Often, shifting the tone from accountability to compassion makes all the difference.

Try:

• “What’s been feeling heavy today?”

• “What helps you feel less alone when it’s like this?”

• “Would you like me to listen or help you think through something?”

These questions open space rather than close it down.

5. Let Therapy Be Part of the Support System—Not the Entire Strategy

One of the most common things I hear is, “I think my partner needs therapy, but I don’t want to push.” It’s a valid concern. But often, the most caring thing you can do is gently name what you’re noticing, without judgment.

Something like, “I wonder if talking to someone could help take some of this weight off you” can go a long way.

And if your partner is already in therapy, know that it’s okay to ask how it’s going—not to pry, but to signal interest in their inner world. The fact that you’re curious matters.

A Final Word

Supporting your partner’s mental health isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being willing to see, hear, and feel alongside someone else without depleting yourself in the process.

In couples therapy, I often remind people that mental health is never just one person’s experience. It belongs to both. That doesn’t mean equal suffering—but it does mean shared meaning, shared growth, and hopefully, over time, shared healing.

If you’re navigating this terrain in your relationship, you’re not alone. And it’s okay to reach out for support—for your partner, or for yourself.

About our practice: Dr. Maura Ferguson & Associates offers contemporary psychoanalytic and relational therapy for individuals, couples and relationships. We support parents at every stage—whether you're preparing for parenthood, in the thick of early years, or reflecting on how becoming parents has reshaped your connection.

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