Why Your Child Needs You to Be Real, Not Perfect

In today’s parenting culture, it’s easy to feel like you're never doing enough. Books and blogs (like this one) outline ideal ways to respond, attune, and support every aspect of a child’s development. And still, many parents are left feeling like they’re falling short.

But here’s something worth holding onto: your child doesn’t need you to be perfect. They need you to be real.

And in fact, perfection can get in the way of the kind of relationship that truly supports a child’s emotional growth.

The Myth of the Perfect Parent

Wanting to be a “good parent” is natural. But for many, this understandable desire quietly morphs into an internal demand for perfection: no misattunements, no raised voices, no unmet needs. The trouble is, this ideal doesn’t exist—not in practice, and not in developmentally sound theory.

From a psychoanalytic perspective, it’s actually through small, manageable failures that children grow.

Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, coined the term “good enough mother” (now more broadly understood as “good enough parent”). He observed that infants initially require high levels of responsiveness—but as they develop, they also need moments of imperfection. A parent who doesn’t always get it right—but who repairs, reflects, and stays connected—gives the child something much more valuable than perfection: an experience of emotional resilience.

What Happens When a Parent Tries to Be Perfect?

Parents who strive to be perfect often do so out of love and care. But perfectionism can unintentionally create emotional distance. It can leave less space for genuine feeling—yours and your child’s. It can communicate, without meaning to, that messiness or difficulty isn’t welcome. And it can make it hard for a child to feel safe showing their full emotional range.

A child doesn’t need you to say the “right thing” every time. What they need is your presence, your capacity to reflect, and your willingness to stay with them—even when things are uncomfortable.

Being real means:

• Acknowledging when you’re tired, overwhelmed, or uncertain

• Apologizing when you’ve misattuned or lost your patience

• Allowing space for your child to experience frustration, sadness, and ambivalence—without needing to fix it right away

• Showing that relationships can survive imperfection

• Taking good care of your mental health so you don't demand or require that your child take care of you.

  
  

Being Real Builds Trust—and a Stable Sense of Self

Children internalize their caregivers’ responses. When you’re able to tolerate their distress and your own, they begin to trust that feelings can be survived. They learn that rupture can lead to repair, that they are not responsible for your emotional state, and that being loved doesn’t require being perfect themselves.

In this way, your own realness gives them permission to be whole. Not flawless. Whole.

What If You Grew Up With a Parent Who Couldn't Be Real?

Many parents today are trying to offer their children something they didn’t receive: emotional presence, flexibility, safety. If this feels hard, you’re not alone. Sometimes our own childhood wounds can get stirred in the day-to-day demands of parenting. Therapy can offer a space to explore those early experiences—gently, thoughtfully, and with compassion.

In a Culture That Pushes Perfection, Choosing Realness Is a Radical Act

Your child doesn’t need a perfect parent. They need you—with all your complexity, care, and capacity to stay in relationship through the inevitable ups and downs.

From a psychoanalytic perspective, the most powerful thing a parent can offer isn’t flawlessness. It’s the ability to show up, to feel, to repair, and to keep relating.

Curious About Parenting From a More Grounded Place?

Our practice offers depth-oriented psychotherapy for parents navigating the emotional complexities of raising children—especially those who are trying to parent differently from how they were parented. We also support individuals and couples working through intergenerational patterns, attachment challenges, and the emotional toll of caregiving.Winnicott’s view on the importance of parental authenticity