Learning to Think About Feelings: The Roots of Mentalization

What is Mentalization and How It Forms the Foundation of Resilience, Empathy, and Self-Awareness

Many of us take for granted our ability to reflect on our feelings and imagine what others might be thinking or experiencing. We can say, “I’m upset because of that argument yesterday,” or “She seems withdrawn—maybe she’s anxious about something at work.” This ability, known as mentalization, does not arise automatically. It develops from our earliest relationships and is closely tied to Wilfred Bion’s psychoanalytic ideas about how emotions are first managed.

Understanding Mentalization

Mentalization is the capacity to reflect on the mind, both your own and someone else’s. It allows you to see behavior not as random or confusing but as linked to thoughts, feelings, and intentions. For example, when a friend cancels dinner, you might feel disappointed but still think: “She may be exhausted after a long week.” Without mentalization, the same event might feel only like rejection: “She doesn’t care about me.” This skill is the foundation of empathy, communication, and resilience. It helps us tolerate our own feelings, recognize that others have inner worlds separate from ours, and navigate the complexity of relationships.

Bion’s Theory: Containment and the Birth of Thought

Wilfred Bion, a British psychoanalyst, described the parents’ role as a container for the infant’s overwhelming feelings. A newborn flooded with hunger or fear cannot make sense of what is happening. The parent takes in the raw emotion (the contained), processes it through their own mind, and returns it in a more digestible form—by feeding, rocking, or simply naming: “You’re tired.” This repeated process teaches the infant that emotions can be held, thought about, and survived. It is the foundation of mentalization. Without a caregiver who can imagine what the infant might be experiencing, the child cannot develop a secure sense that feelings have meaning and can be understood.

Internalizing the Capacity

Over time, the child internalizes the caregiver’s reflective function. What began as something the parent did for the child becomes something the child can do for themselves. As adults, when we feel upset, we can pause, reflect, and identify: “I’m angry because I felt dismissed in that meeting.” When we see someone else upset, we can imagine: “He looks anxious—maybe because he’s worried about the outcome.” This is not just a cognitive skill—it is a deeply relational one. It grows from being on the receiving end of another mind that could think about us before we could think about ourselves.

When Mentalization Is Missing

If early caregivers were inconsistent, dismissive, or overwhelmed themselves, the child may not have experienced reliable containment. As adults, this can show up in different ways:

• Struggling to identify or name one’s own feelings.

• Misinterpreting others’ behavior as hostile or rejecting.

• Being overwhelmed by emotions without being able to step back and reflect.

• Difficulty in relationships, where actions are taken at face value without curiosity about the mind behind them.

  
  

In such cases, emotional life feels more chaotic and less manageable. Relationships may become battlegrounds of misunderstanding rather than spaces of connection.

Therapy as a Place to Rebuild

The good news is that mentalization is not fixed in childhood—it can be nurtured and strengthened in adulthood, especially through psychotherapy. In psychoanalytic therapy, the therapist actively mentalizes the patient: wondering aloud about feelings, reflecting on the emotional meaning behind experiences, and imagining the patient’s inner world. For example:

• “I wonder if your irritation with me today feels similar to how you felt when your father ignored you.”

• “It sounds like the disappointment you felt in that friendship was hard to put into words.”

  
  

Over time, patients begin to internalize this process. They learn to think about their own mind with greater clarity and to imagine the inner worlds of others with more nuance.

Why Mentalization Matters for Everyday Life

The capacity to mentalize shapes almost every aspect of daily functioning:

• Relationships: We can recognize that a partner’s withdrawal may signal hurt rather than indifference.

• Parenting: We can imagine a child’s frustration as stemming from exhaustion rather than defiance.

• Work: We can interpret a colleague’s abrupt tone as stress-related rather than personal hostility.

• Self-understanding: We can connect emotions to causes and think about them rather than being swept away.

  
  

Without mentalization, interactions remain on the surface, driven by assumptions and reactions. With it, relationships become deeper, more flexible, and more resilient.

The Role of Mentalization in Emotional Regulation

Mentalization plays a crucial role in emotional regulation. When we can understand our feelings and those of others, we are better equipped to manage our emotional responses. This understanding allows us to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. For instance, if we recognize that our frustration stems from a misunderstanding, we can address the issue calmly instead of lashing out. This ability to pause and reflect is essential for maintaining healthy relationships and fostering emotional well-being.

Building Mentalization Skills

Developing mentalization skills is a lifelong process. Here are some strategies to enhance your mentalization abilities:

• Practice Reflection: Take time each day to reflect on your feelings and thoughts. Journaling can be a helpful tool for this.

• Engage in Active Listening: When conversing with others, focus on understanding their perspective. Ask open-ended questions to encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings.

• Seek Feedback: Ask trusted friends or family members for feedback on your interactions. This can help you gain insight into how others perceive your behavior and emotions.

• Consider Therapy: If you struggle with mentalization, consider seeking therapy. A therapist can provide guidance and support as you work to develop this skill.

  
  

Closing Thought

Bion’s theory of containment shows us that thinking about feelings is not something we are born knowing how to do—it is something we first experience through others. Mentalization grows when someone uses their mind to think about us, and over time, we carry that capacity within ourselves. In psychoanalytic therapy, this process is renewed. The therapist offers containment and reflection, helping patients learn to think about their own emotions and the minds of others in richer, more compassionate ways. It is a reminder that resilience is not the absence of emotion—it is the ability to hold, reflect, and find meaning in what we feel.